Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
