hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
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