Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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