I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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