I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
