so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I'm like, not good at living.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
