I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
