i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
