I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
