Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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