awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
