I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
