I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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