I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
