I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
