I am puke
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
