apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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