Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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