Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
