i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
We have so much sex to catch up on
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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