Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
