all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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