office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
