I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
