my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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