We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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