We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
