and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
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