I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
In America we eat man semen.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
