I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
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