I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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