hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
