That's when you crack a 10am beer
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
