I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Too much gin, very little bucket
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
