Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
