if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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