he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
