apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
