dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
