At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
