guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
