so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I won't apologize to a one balled man
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
