put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
