i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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