Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
My vagina is very pro this idea
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