i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
