Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
