My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
what day is it and did you see me today?
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Randomize
