He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
