my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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