Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
